When I started this blog, I had to choose between blogging strictly about fitness and health or including personal aspects from my life in it. Today I will open up and share with you an experience....maybe my words will help someone else or someone else's words can help me. This is not fitness related and is a touchy subject for some so if you want now, turn around and leave! I will be back with fitness post soon!
So here we go....a glimpse inside!
Yesterday my strength was test beyond any point I ever imagined. If you've been following along with my journey you will know I've had quite a few medical issues this year. To the point that I will not look back on 2013 with many fond memories. In January, I conceived. To say this was a shock would be an understatement. At this point, we had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant. After the shock wore off there was PURE BLISS! I had this child's life planned in a single day. I did everything in my power to make my body as healthy as possible. No processed food, only organic food, only the best prenatal vitamins plus all other vitamins and supplements the doctor recommended. Being a vegan and being pregnant wasn't ideal but I stuck to my beliefs. I was so exhausted all the time; being pregnant, working and taking care of 2 kids was not good on my body at all. I could never get enough energy, sometimes breathing was hard. But I cherished every moment of it. I don't think my hand left my stomach for 3 1/2 months. After all the testing, medicine, shots, and negative pregnancy test, this was everything I ever wanted and more! Nothing could bring me down from this cloud. On April 15th we went in to hear the heartbeat and get an ultrasound. As I'm laying on the table, more nervous and excited than I've been in my whole life, nothing happens. The doctor gives me a quick worried look and the suggest an ultrasound. With the excuse that my cervix sits too far back, she left the room to order the ultrasound. At 2pm, I went back in for the abdominal ultrasound. After 15 minutes of searching, nothing. "Well maybe you just aren't as far along as we think." Those words do little to reassure me as I feel the tears crawling up my throat. The next step was a vaginal ultrasound. 20 minutes later I am sent upstairs to wait for the results. As I type this, I relive the moment when she told me the pregnancy was viable. As the words come out of her mouth I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. This was the 1st time I have literally felt my heart break. I knew at that moment, my life would never be the same. Anyone who has ever been through this knows the exact feeling I am talking about! Nothing will ever fix that hurt. The very next day, I get the phone call comes from NC that my great-grandma had passed away. I was so mad at everything at this point. I was so pissed off I didn't sleep, I didn't eat...I mourned in the worst way possible. On Monday, I started miscarrying. After 2 weeks of bleeding, it got so bad I went to the ER. By the time I got there, I was severely anemic and I needed an emergency D & C to stop the bleeding. I was in the hospital about 10 hours and had to go home. Having lost my baby was bad enough; having to deal with it every d&*^ day is enough to make anyone lose their mind. It's a constant reminder that you will never get to be a mother. The one thing you always wanted has been ripped away from you. How is this even fair? Why me? And peoples "words of wisdom" only pissed me off more. "Well maybe there was something wrong with it." "It will happen when it's supposed to." "God this and God that." Nothing anyone says makes the pain better. The pain will never go away. Then the doctor tells me because I'm a vegan, I didn't have the nutrients in my body to sustain the pregnancy. I was deficient in X, Y and Z. So fast forward....for a little over a month, I have been so sick. Not eating due to nausea, muscle aches, headaches and bruising heavily. Go to a doctor, get sent to a specialist and last week I went and had an endoscopy. I have erosive gastritis. I'm on medicine for 3 months. If anyone reading has ever been TTC (trying to conceive) you know the process of cycle day counting. Basically you chart out ovulation based on your menstrual cycle. So July 3rd, 1st day of the cycle. July 17th, 14th day of cycle and the "sweet" day. Well, then something strange happens. Day 18, period starts? SAY WHAT? WTF!? 10 days early? No period symptoms? 0 cramps? Now that makes no sense what-so-ever. So I call up my doctor. At this point we are on 1st name basis and her nurse and I should be best friends now. So I told her what was going on, she asked personal questions and then asked me how I was doing with the miscarriage and dealing with my emotions. I said, "I think better...I feel better." Then she drops it on me...."It sounds like you're having a miscarriage. Maybe a few weeks along, not far enough to be detected by a test." That oh-familiar feeling comes back. I feel sorry for the doctors that have to tell women they have lost their child. I couldn't imagine hearing that much grief from someone on a daily basis. I actually handled it well on the phone. And for a few hours after that...I was ok. My thinking is, well I didn't know so it isn't as bad. And that's true for the most part, I didn't know. I didn't have the joy and images dancing through my head like the 1st time. But then....that could have been my baby. AGH and this is where it gets so hard. Do I grieve and let it out? Or does that make me weak for crying over something that I didn't even know about? And the same questions are back...Why me? Why again? Why give it to me and take it back? Why even deal with trying anymore? What's the point? Over and over and over again. This makes dealing with people so hard...impossible. Everyone else's happiness just makes me even more mad. Even though no one knows the pain I'm dealing with. Today, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or even believe that there is one anymore.
Ok. That is my story. It's not a happy one and today I look back at this year and just think of how nothing good has come from any of it (I am exaggerating a bit.) But that's how I feel today.
Sorry for the sad post but maybe someone can read this who has been in the same situation and give me a comforting word.