Life lately has been....frustrating to say the least.
Sorry I have been away for a while. Work has been slammed, home has been more about relaxing and just taking my mind off all the outside things in life. I know it's better to face your problems head on but I feel like burying my head in the sand is a much better approach right now.
As some of you may know, I have been struggling with infertility issues for 32 months now. It's not an easy subject to talk about but it's an issue that should be talked about more often. Life struggling with infertility isn't easy. While many women can try and succeed, women who struggle with infertility issues aren't so lucky. We get it in our mind that we want a baby, try and try and try with no luck. There is no way to describe the frustration, anger and hatred that come out of a life in infertility. You are frustrated month after month when nature takes its course with no baby in sight. Anger because you have no idea WHY and you blame yourself for not being able to do the one thing you were designed to do. All women should be able to have a baby. It's what our bodies were designed to do. You grow to hate yourself more than you ever thought possible. This is where the hatred comes in. You hate yourself, you hate other women who can so easily get pregnant, you hate families that have kids to spare; you hate everything.
As you can probably imagine, this takes a huge toll on your life. You slowly start to isolate yourself away from anyone and everything. The way I see it, no one wants to be with someone they can't start a family with. Who is going to love me? I am broken beyond repair. Then you get the rare glimpses, the person who says it's what they want...they will try for a few months but then you start to isolate yourself again. Push yourself away from that person until the relationship cannot stand anymore. Then you're left alone. This cycle just repeats and repeats. I blame myself; it's my fault. I can't give them what they want, they should go find someone who can. Then you start to feel like you don't deserve anything special because you will just destroy their life in the process.
People will say, "Oh give it time." "It will happen." "God has a plan for you." "It just isn't your time." All these words make me even more angry. Don't try to make the situation better. Don't try to soothe me with your weak words. That is not going to work...unless you have been through this battle, you have no idea what I am going through. The best thing to say is nothing. Just nod if I'm venting and take it for what it's worth. No words will help me at this point. In the beginning, I believed these words. They were my comfort in my darkest days. Now, after 32 months of struggling and failing, these words mean nothing to me.
On top of all of this, I did receive a blessing. In February of this year, I found out I was pregnant. My first positive pregnancy test in a little over 2 years. To say I was happy is an understatement. In that instant, I planned a whole entire life. From the first breath to the wedding day I knew what I wanted. 3 months later, waiting to hear the heartbeat, I was told there was none. If you've ever experienced a loss that makes you literally feel your heart breaking I am sorry. When you hear those words, it's like the earth stops moving. You go deaf and blind all at the same time and the only thing you can feel is your world falling apart. There is no way to describe the pain I felt that day, or still do to this day. I put on the biggest smile and I laugh but the person I was before I was told my baby had died is gone. I will never get her back. Looking back, I miss that person. She was truly happy. The kind of happy that radiated in a room, happy in a way that people would gravitate towards me to steal just a little of that light. That's not me anymore. My happiness is forced and anyone who used to want to be around me no longer does. I have dulled to the point of nonexistence. To have your every blessing given to you and then ripped away is not fair. They say life is not fair, but this is unimaginable. The cruelty behind that plan just sucked the life right out of me. When my baby died, so did I. Or the person that I was anyways.
Today, I have an amazing man. He is by my side for all of these moments and he has no idea what he does to me. He slowly brings out the old me. He makes me forget my worries and cares for just a little while and that is enough. That is the greatest thing he can give to me and he doesn't even know it.
But how long will it last? How long until he realizes I'm too broken to repair? Of course I am prepared for the moment he realizes it...I always will be. I'll spend at least a few moments every day bracing myself for the impact. As positive as I try to be, the negativity consumes me. Will he ever see that I go through the motions every day because I have to not because I really want to? Ever hear the pain behind every laugh and the pain behind my eyes? I have began dreaming about our son and he is so sweet and perfect in my mind. He has his eyes and nose and hair and he is beyond beautiful. But that's the pitfall in my life...hope, dreams and wishes.
To help cope with all these feelings, I am trying to make it a priority to do yoga every night. I just set up my mat in the living room and find the place where my heart, mind and soul collide. This time is for me and I am very selfish with it, but I deserve it. Even this little thing makes the days a little brighter. I get to push my body and shut down the internal monologue that consumes my life, even for a little while. Also, nothing beats snuggling on the couch (even when I should be doing something more productive!) :)
I know all of this is a lot to take in at once. But welcome to my life. I didn't know about sharing this because it is so personal. These are the thoughts I keep to myself and only drag out in the depths of the night (probably why I can't sleep to save my life!) But the whole reason for this post is to help. Maybe there is someone out there who feels the same way I do. Or maybe there's someone who can help shed light on how to move past this and start to be more positive.
They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. The one positive note is that I know I am strong. I have been dragged through Hell and back repeatedly but I'm still standing. I may be broken and more than once I've hit my knees thinking I would never give up but each morning I wake up knowing I can face whatever is thrown at me because I have been through some terrible things and it hasn't killed me yet.