The Topic No One Discusses But Should...

Life lately has been....frustrating to say the least.

Sorry I have been away for a while. Work has been slammed, home has been more about relaxing and just taking my mind off all the outside things in life. I know it's better to face your problems head on but I feel like burying my head in the sand is a much better approach right now.

As some of you may know, I have been struggling with infertility issues for 32 months now. It's not an easy subject to talk about but it's an issue that should be talked about more often. Life struggling with infertility isn't easy. While many women can try and succeed, women who struggle with infertility issues aren't so lucky. We get it in our mind that we want a baby, try and try and try with no luck. There is no way to describe the frustration, anger and hatred that come out of a life in infertility. You are frustrated month after month when nature takes its course with no baby in sight. Anger because you have no idea WHY and you blame yourself for not being able to do the one thing you were designed to do. All women should be able to have a baby. It's what our bodies were designed to do. You grow to hate yourself more than you ever thought possible. This is where the hatred comes in. You hate yourself, you hate other women who can so easily get pregnant, you hate families that have kids to spare; you hate everything.

As you can probably imagine, this takes a huge toll on your life. You slowly start to isolate yourself away from anyone and everything. The way I see it, no one wants to be with someone they can't start a family with. Who is going to love me? I am broken beyond repair. Then you get the rare glimpses, the person who says it's what they want...they will try for a few months but then you start to isolate yourself again. Push yourself away from that person until the relationship cannot stand anymore. Then you're left alone. This cycle just repeats and repeats. I blame myself; it's my fault. I can't give them what they want, they should go find someone who can. Then you start to feel like you don't deserve anything special because you will just destroy their life in the process.

People will say, "Oh give it time." "It will happen." "God has a plan for you." "It just isn't your time." All these words make me even more angry. Don't try to make the situation better. Don't try to soothe me with your weak words. That is not going to work...unless you have been through this battle, you have no idea what I am going through. The best thing to say is nothing. Just nod if I'm venting and take it for what it's worth. No words will help me at this point. In the beginning, I believed these words. They were my comfort in my darkest days. Now, after 32 months of struggling and failing, these words mean nothing to me.

On top of all of this, I did receive a blessing. In February of this year, I found out I was pregnant. My first positive pregnancy test in a little over 2 years. To say I was happy is an understatement. In that instant, I planned a whole entire life. From the first breath to the wedding day I knew what I wanted. 3 months later, waiting to hear the heartbeat, I was told there was none. If you've ever experienced a loss that makes you literally feel your heart breaking I am sorry. When you hear those words, it's like the earth stops moving. You go deaf and blind all at the same time and the only thing you can feel is your world falling apart. There is no way to describe the pain I felt that day, or still do to this day. I put on the biggest smile and I laugh but the person I was before I was told my baby had died is gone. I will never get her back. Looking back, I miss that person. She was truly happy. The kind of happy that radiated in a room, happy in a way that people would gravitate towards me to steal just a little of that light. That's not me anymore. My happiness is forced and anyone who used to want to be around me no longer does. I have dulled to the point of nonexistence. To have your every blessing given to you and then ripped away is not fair. They say life is not fair, but this is unimaginable. The cruelty behind that plan just sucked the life right out of me. When my baby died, so did I. Or the person that I was anyways.

Today, I have an amazing man. He is by my side for all of these moments and he has no idea what he does to me. He slowly brings out the old me. He makes me forget my worries and cares for just a little while and that is enough. That is the greatest thing he can give to me and he doesn't even know it.

But how long will it last? How long until he realizes I'm too broken to repair? Of course I am prepared for the moment he realizes it...I always will be. I'll spend at least a few moments every day bracing myself for the impact. As positive as I try to be, the negativity consumes me. Will he ever see that I go through the motions every day because I have to not because I really want to? Ever hear the pain behind every laugh and the pain behind my eyes? I have began dreaming about our son and he is so sweet and perfect in my mind. He has his eyes and nose and hair and he is beyond beautiful. But that's the pitfall in my life...hope, dreams and wishes.

To help cope with all these feelings, I am trying to make it a priority to do yoga every night. I just set up my mat in the living room and find the place where my heart, mind and soul collide. This time is for me and I am very selfish with it, but I deserve it. Even this little thing makes the days a little brighter. I get to push my body and shut down the internal monologue that consumes my life, even for a little while. Also, nothing beats snuggling on the couch (even when I should be doing something more productive!) :)

I know all of this is a lot to take in at once. But welcome to my life. I didn't know about sharing this because it is so personal. These are the thoughts I keep to myself and only drag out in the depths of the night (probably why I can't sleep to save my life!) But the whole reason for this post is to help. Maybe there is someone out there who feels the same way I do. Or maybe there's someone who can help shed light on how to move past this and start to be more positive.

They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. The one positive note is that I know I am strong. I have been dragged through Hell and back repeatedly but I'm still standing. I may be broken and more than once I've hit my knees thinking I would never give up but each morning I wake up knowing I can face whatever is thrown at me because I have been through some terrible things and it hasn't killed me yet.

Down To The Wire!

I woke up this morning only to realize in 2 days I will be driving to my death. Yes, that's right I'm talking about the Warrior Dash!! 2 days? How did that happen? It's here so fast and I am now beginning to mentally freak out  prepare!A co-worker, who actually introduced me to the race this year, informed me that the beginning is a big...huge...monstrous hill! I hate hills and I did no hill running in preparation. But on a happy note....

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Yup. I sort of had a melt down over my time/not being prepared/failing at running on Weds. night but I realized something. I AM IN CONTROL! I can push myself as far as I want. It's all a mental game and on Saturday I will be the master of my mind.

 

So, my goals for Saturday are as followed:

 

 

1. HAVE FUN!!!!!!!

 

2. Get across the finish line.

 

 

That's it. Since this will be my 1st Warrior Dash I have no idea what to expect. I don't want to place a time limit on myself when I don't know what the course is going to be like. So I am going to go and have fun and not be so hard on myself. It's supposed to be an exciting race and I want to be apart of that.

 

Next big plans for me after the Warrior Dash? Well I have to get a new pair of running shoes. I pronate so badly and it is causing pain during and after every run now. I'm not doing high-mileage either, averaging about 2.5 miles a run. I was planning a 10K at the beginning of September but I will hold off on that until I can get the perfect pair of shoes for me. I do plan on running 2 more 5K fun runs, both Zombie runs in October. I'll just designate this the year of fun runs. Next year, I plan on running a few 10K, working on my mileage over winter so I can be in top-prime running shape by next summer. That's way too much planning ahead. I have no idea what God has in store for me or what the next few months will bring, all I know is I want to run until it's impossible to do it anymore. I want to run for those who can't and for those who won't ever get to.

 

So today when you go for your run, think about this. And push yourself a little harder. You would be amazed at how much further you can go when you push yourself beyond your comfort zone.

 

 Question: Have you ever done a Warrior Dash? What should I expect?

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today I Am Thankful

If any of you are like me, you get so caught up in the negative of life. At the end of the day, I seem to pick out the worst situations that happened throughout the day instead of the positive. So today I woke up and my first thought was how thankful I am. Then I started thinking about all the things I am thankful for and I decided I would share them with you. Maybe you could return the favor and tell me some of the things you are thankful for in your life!

Today I am thankful for:
The fact that I woke up this morning. I know somewhere out there, someone didn't get that option and I am so thankful to be able to get another chance, another day.

For all the pain and suffering I have been through. When I hear people say things like "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" or "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldier," I am proud of my struggles. I have survived my heart being ripped out in the worst way possible, and I overcome it with more hope than I have ever had. This year has been one of the roughest yet. Unlucky # 13 for me I guess. But through it all my faith has held strong and even though I don't know the reason behind it all, God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself.

 

For anyone who has lost a child, please check out the resources at www.sayinggoodbye.com

 

 

I am thankful for the ability to run. I have went on two amazing runs this weeks and I am falling back in love with it. I ran my best times of the year and it felt so good to push myself. I have been off for a few weeks, for no particular reason I just haven't had the desire to lace up my shoes. Monday I just felt the urge to get outside and run. Around 8 PM, it cools off enough here to feel perfect for running. I threw on my shoes, put my headphones in and took off. For the 1st time ever, I ran the first .61 miles with no walking breaks. This is an amazing accomplishment for me and I was so happy. I finished the first mile in 11.something minutes and was on top of the world. Last year, I was running 8 minute miles but this year, I haven't been able to do better than 13-14 minutes. I ran a little over 2.5 miles and finished in 29 minutes. I was out of breath, exhausted and exhilarated. It reminded me of my very first run, where I fell in love with it. I took Tuesday off but laced up last night for a "short" run. This time, I ran the whole block without walking and then I hear "Mile 1: 9.37 minutes." I almost started jumping there on the sidewalk. I finished up with 2.15 miles in 24 minutes. My split time wasn't the best because I ran the 1st mile too fast. I need to settle in a 10-minute/mile pace and get comfortable there but I'm excited to do that!! Who's ready for their run tonight? I know I am!!

 

Some other things I am thankful for today:

 

•  The fact that a full tank of gas lasted me exactly 2 weeks. :)
•  New love.
•  Payday is tomorrow.
•  Thursday is actually my favorite day of the week (the weekends not included!)
•  A new haircut tomorrow. It's going to be a surprise...maybe even to myself.
•  Being productive. I finally made my dentist appointment today...even though I'm already dreading it.

I hope everyone that reads this can see the positive in today!

Question of the day: Tell me what you are thankful for today!?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Happy Hump-Day Thoughts!

Just some random thoughts running through my mind this morning:

1: Why am I eating ANOTHER pack of Reese's peanut butter cups? Last night I had a king size pack (that's 4 for all the fitties out there who aren't bouncing down the loserville path to fatness!) And today I had a normal sized pack (2) right after my oatmeal. A balanced breakfast right? And what's even worse...I had peanut butter cups! They taste like artificial peanut butter filled pockets of sadness.

 

I could devour all of these...NOW!

 

2: Liz, why are you stressing everything? STOP! RIGHT NOW! (Yes I'm yelling at myself.) I have the worst habit of analyzing situations that will probably never happen. Like years in advance. I know I need to focus on the here and now but that's easier said than done for me. And the thing is, sometimes, in the midst of my "over reaction" I feel like I'm looking at myself thinking..."What is your problem? Calm your a$% down!" I am working through it today and just telling myself to trust whatever God has in plan for me. Nothing I do is more important than what he is doing for me and my life! So, to myself, stop stressing and enjoy the moments. These are the good times...sit back and enjoy the ride!!

 

If the fairy godmother says it, I must listen!

 

3: I want tattoos and I want them right now! I don't even want to think about it. If you don't have any, I would advise against getting any at all. Because when they say you can't have just one, they ARE NOT lying to you! It is an addiction...and I don't ever want to be cured. I am perfectly happy with this addiction...the pain goes away fairly fast (depending on location.) For me the pain stops as soon as the needle does. And a few minutes later, I'm ready for another one. I have 2 so far! Here are just a few of the ones I have my eye on.

 

 

Just beautiful!

For my well being and yogi love! :)

 

For me, this is the meaning behind life. Find your passion in this world and let it kill you.

 



This would go on my shoulder and would be the start to my sleeve!

 

 

Ah the addiction! The love!

 

Today is about finding my inner peace and being ok with the uncertain. I have to realize I never know when my time is up, so why spend any moment unhappy? Or at least not stress over everything!! Clarity is amazing!

 

 

Question: Tell me a thought you are having today?! Weird. Silly. Serious. I want to hear them all :)

 

 





What Do I Do Now?

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Ok, if you do not love this woman you can leave this blog now! (No, seriously who doesn't love Zoey?) Since Saturday, I have found myself sucked into Netflix watching the entire 1st season of New Girl. I know, I am a little behind but I'm caught up now! And I'm hooked. Last night I finished watching the last episode and I had to look around and ask, what to do with my life now? I have been lost in this show for 3 days now....oh yea maybe I should start back on my training since I now have 25 days until the warrior dash. You heard me right 25 DAYS! Where is the time going my friends? I could not be more pumped up and excited about this race, mentally. Physically, I am getting fluffy in places I hate fluff and I silently hear my muscles deteriorating while I try to sleep. SO i have to kick my training into TURBO drive and really start kicking my own ass. I have lost accountability but no worries my friend. We all fall off the wagon, I will get back on!!
It's almost August?! Why didn't anyone warn me that the older I get, the faster time goes. Not during the day because my office job is like the pits of hell (I can imagine with all that heat the day goes pretty slow), but looking back it's all a blur. A big, confused filled blur that will forever go down in the history books as THE WORST YEAR ever. But in all seriousness, where is the time going. I keep looking ahead thinking...Christmas is only 5 months away now! And I despise Christmas. Not the holiday per say but the way people act around Christmas.

Wow, this blog is getting random fast!! What my point is supposed to be is I need a new focus in life. I have long ago come to the conclusion that office work was not for me and I really want to do something in the fitness industry. Professional bikini modeling is always an idea....but I would actually have to be able to wear a bikini for that to happen. I want to teach, motivate, take my passion for fitness and place it gently upon others shoulders. Is that too much to ask? So basically, I want to be a trainer. A yoga teacher? Maybe I even want to cook and teach others how to eat healthy.

You see my dilemma. Also, I haven't researched any of this. I know some take degrees....I'll go to school. And they take money....that resource is limited to almost everyone but I could make it work. Time....well I have some of that free and I've never been shy of a lot going on at once. Just where to begin. I'll start will finding out how much time and money these things will take. I could be a super time master and do them all at once ;) buuuttt...that's not going to happen. I will do some research and then write about how and what it will take to do all of these things. Oh, how I love research :)

So today, I will pull together all my resources and I will figure out which option is practical in my life. If I have to be a full time student, that isn't practical. If it cost hundreds of dollars, again not practical. But we shall see!

Question of the day: How are you guys? Still hanging on the wagon for dear life? Do you know anything about getting into the fitness field?

The Tough Side of Blogging

When I started this blog, I had to choose between blogging strictly about fitness and health or including personal aspects from my life in it. Today I will open up and share with you an experience....maybe my words will help someone else or someone else's words can help me. This is not fitness related and is a touchy subject for some so if you want now, turn around and leave! I will be back with fitness post soon!
So here we go....a glimpse inside!

Yesterday my strength was test beyond any point I ever imagined. If you've been following along with my journey you will know I've had quite a few medical issues this year. To the point that I will not look back on 2013 with many fond memories. In January, I conceived. To say this was a shock would be an understatement. At this point, we had been trying for 2 years to get pregnant. After the shock wore off there was PURE BLISS! I had this child's life planned in a single day. I did everything in my power to make my body as healthy as possible. No processed food, only organic food, only the best prenatal vitamins plus all other vitamins and supplements the doctor recommended. Being a vegan and being pregnant wasn't ideal but I stuck to my beliefs. I was so exhausted all the time; being pregnant, working and taking care of 2 kids was not good on my body at all. I could never get enough energy, sometimes breathing was hard. But I cherished every moment of it. I don't think my hand left my stomach for 3 1/2 months. After all the testing, medicine, shots, and negative pregnancy test, this was everything I ever wanted and more! Nothing could bring me down from this cloud. On April 15th we went in to hear the heartbeat and get an ultrasound. As I'm laying on the table, more nervous and excited than I've been in my whole life, nothing happens. The doctor gives me a quick worried look and the suggest an ultrasound. With the excuse that my cervix sits too far back, she left the room to order the ultrasound. At 2pm, I went back in for the abdominal ultrasound. After 15 minutes of searching, nothing. "Well maybe you just aren't as far along as we think." Those words do little to reassure me as I feel the tears crawling up my throat. The next step was a vaginal ultrasound. 20 minutes later I am sent upstairs to wait for the results. As I type this, I relive the moment when she told me the pregnancy was viable. As the words come out of her mouth I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. This was the 1st time I have literally felt my heart break. I knew at that moment, my life would never be the same. Anyone who has ever been through this knows the exact feeling I am talking about! Nothing will ever fix that hurt. The very next day, I get the phone call comes from NC that my great-grandma had passed away. I was so mad at everything at this point. I was so pissed off I didn't sleep, I didn't eat...I mourned in the worst way possible. On Monday, I started miscarrying. After 2 weeks of bleeding, it got so bad I went to the ER. By the time I got there, I was severely anemic and I needed an emergency D & C to stop the bleeding. I was in the hospital about 10 hours and had to go home. Having lost my baby was bad enough; having to deal with it every d&*^ day is enough to make anyone lose their mind. It's a constant reminder that you will never get to be a mother. The one thing you always wanted has been ripped away from you. How is this even fair? Why me? And peoples "words of wisdom" only pissed me off more. "Well maybe there was something wrong with it." "It will happen when it's supposed to." "God this and God that." Nothing anyone says makes the pain better. The pain will never go away. Then the doctor tells me because I'm a vegan, I didn't have the nutrients in my body to sustain the pregnancy. I was deficient in X, Y and Z. So fast forward....for a little over a month, I have been so sick. Not eating due to nausea, muscle aches, headaches and bruising heavily. Go to a doctor, get sent to a specialist and last week I went and had an endoscopy. I have erosive gastritis. I'm on medicine for 3 months. If anyone reading has ever been TTC (trying to conceive) you know the process of cycle day counting. Basically you chart out ovulation based on your menstrual cycle. So July 3rd, 1st day of the cycle. July 17th, 14th day of cycle and the "sweet" day. Well, then something strange happens. Day 18, period starts? SAY WHAT? WTF!? 10 days early? No period symptoms? 0 cramps? Now that makes no sense what-so-ever. So I call up my doctor. At this point we are on 1st name basis and her nurse and I should be best friends now. So I told her what was going on, she asked personal questions and then asked me how I was doing with the miscarriage and dealing with my emotions. I said, "I think better...I feel better." Then she drops it on me...."It sounds like you're having a miscarriage. Maybe a few weeks along, not far enough to be detected by a test." That oh-familiar feeling comes back. I feel sorry for the doctors that have to tell women they have lost their child. I couldn't imagine hearing that much grief from someone on a daily basis. I actually handled it well on the phone. And for a few hours after that...I was ok. My thinking is, well I didn't know so it isn't as bad. And that's true for the most part, I didn't know. I didn't have the joy and images dancing through my head like the 1st time. But then....that could have been my baby. AGH and this is where it gets so hard. Do I grieve and let it out? Or does that make me weak for crying over something that I didn't even know about? And the same questions are back...Why me? Why again? Why give it to me and take it back? Why even deal with trying anymore? What's the point? Over and over and over again. This makes dealing with people so hard...impossible. Everyone else's happiness just makes me even more mad. Even though no one knows the pain I'm dealing with. Today, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or even believe that there is one anymore.


Ok. That is my story. It's not a happy one and today I look back at this year and just think of how nothing good has come from any of it (I am exaggerating a bit.) But that's how I feel today.
Sorry for the sad post but maybe someone can read this who has been in the same situation and give me a comforting word.

One of Those Days

You ever have those days where you just wake up HAPPY! Like genuinely happy with life. That is how I woke up this morning, nothing can get me down today. It's such an amazing feeling that I haven't felt in a while. So on my training, I am epically failing. I haven't laced up my shoes in a few days and I know I need to get on that! I am so excited for the Warrior Dash to get here, August 24th can't get here fast enough. This will be my 1st "fun" run and I can't wait to experience it. I say "fun" because I think all races are fun. I don't take them serious (at this point anyway) so I go out there and just have fun. Plus, the after party sounds like it's going to be a really good time....a free beer, turkey legs and muddy warriors? I am down all day long. I haven't figured out if I'm going to stay the night down where the race is since it's about 2.5 hours away from home. How do y'all do that? Do you stay if it's a few hours away from your home? Like a mini-vacation?

On another note, I can officially say I am an ex-vegan. :( I have been vegan a little over a year and sadly my body cannot handle it. Even with all the correct supplements, I have had enough medical issues. Along with my errosive gastritis (that leaves me feeling like my entire stomach is on fire all day long), I am always anemic and I lost a baby over it. As hard as I fought to live this lifestyle, it's fighting me back harder that I can withstand. So I am slowly introducing beef back into my diet. I don't know if I will ever bring pork back, I have no desire to eat pork. As for dairy, I'm still on the fence. I know how well my body works without dairy but I also know the research done on soy consumption. It feels so weird because I have fought for this cause for what seems like a long time. Although I never pushed my beliefs on others, I always stated facts and let them make the decision. But in my doctors advice, I am changing my diet. Hopefully this will help get me some nutrients in my body and make me feel like my old self. I will not be looking back on 2013 with fond memeries thats for sure. 13 was never my lucky number anyways.

Whew that was a lot to get off my chest. So I'm hoping today I can get in a few (like 4) miles if it's not hot as the devil outside. I've also been practicing yoga every night now. I love just flowing free and doing what I want. Pushing my limits (and hopefully not breaking my neck.) I want to do a free standing handstand but for now I need the wall or a helping hand. One day....that's what goals are about. Yes, I want the end reslut. But I am making sure to look at all the moments in between because that my friends, is your life! Every failure and the pain is what you're going to look back on when you reach your goal (because I know you will, sooner or later, reach your goals!) Also, speaking of fitness I want to go hiking. I have recruited a friend and I think we are going. I haven't been in years and I just want to go hiking up something, reaching the top, then climbing back down! The excitement is enough to knock me over!!

Oh and I am SO SO excited for fall! I mean, more excited than a person should be for a season. But I am! I love the weather, the smell, the clothes, Thanksgiving AND of course the most important part of fall; PUMPKIN SPICE EVERYTHING! ;) I am planning in my head already the wonderful food I'm going to be cooking and the house smelling like pumpkin and cinnamon. Ahh....who else is excited for this? I mean, super-duper excited? I hope I'm not the only one who fantasizes about the things I'll do when fall gets here. Oh and the longest wait of the year will be over (FOOTBALL!!)

Ok so as you see my tangent post is complete. Well I'll post a few pictures I liked on Pinterest because....well it's my blog and I can :) I hope everyone's Tuesday is going just as fantastic as mine!!!

Enough Said!

 

I read this and got instant chills!

 

Chocolate cake into muscle? LOVE IT

My favorite quote about running: It never takes more than it gives back!

 

 

Question of the day: Pick a seaon...any season and tell me why you're so passionate about it?!

What is your favorite running quotes?